This story is about a couple that has been married for 11 years. They have 2 children ages 7 and 9. They started out like any ordinary couple, fell in love, got married, and had kids. She immersed herself in the role of mother and wife. He worked full-time and saw his role as a provider. He has been involved in his kids’ lives, but not to the full extent that his wife was. She became a stay-at-home mom and was devoted to the kids. During the 9 years of parenthood, these two didn’t take a whole lot of time to be alone with one another. Everything they did was with or for the kids. Being a full-time mom, she rarely took time for herself and when she did she felt guilty. She wanted more help from her husband but never asked for this because 1. she shouldn’t need help, she should be able to manage on her own as a good mother should, and 2. he should know he needs to help out more, she shouldn’t have to tell him. Slowly over the years, resentment built up inside of her that she never communicated to her husband. Well, she would communicate subtly, but not in any way that he was able to register and respond to. After 9 years of this, she hit burnout. She began going out and disregarding how her actions impacted her family. She went into an emotional crisis and began acting opposite of her normal self and began taking time for herself, away from her family in large doses. She then met a man that showed interest in her and she engaged in an emotional affair. (It was caught before it got physical). Upon her husband’s discovery, they came for counseling.
She was seething with bitterness toward her husband for his lack of help around the house all these years. He was confused. He worked and felt he did his part and had no idea that she was so angry with him. He was hurt and upset by her emotional affair, no longer had a trust, and became insecure in the relationship. As they began to dig into their marriage to understand why the affair happened, she was able to stop blaming her husband and take a harder look at herself. She began to uncover the faulty thinking that was behind her own behaviors. She realized the affair was an escape from dealing with the realities of her marriage. She avoided conflict which was part of how things got this far. She had a negative relationship with her own mother and was giving herself the message that she had to be perfect in order to be good enough. She expected her husband to step up even though she never communicated her needs to him. So her husband was oblivious to his wife’s unhappiness and completely taken off.
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guard by the affair and her admission that she was carrying so much resentment toward him. He also avoided conflict. He realized over the years he may have read the signs of her discontent, but he turned away from it to avoid causing conflict and their disconnection grew slowly over time.
At the time they came into counseling, they were on the brink of divorce. With two children, they didn’t want to go on this road, but they were both in so much pain, that they didn’t know how they were going to make it work. They engaged in counseling on a weekly basis for 3 months and then did monthly check-ins for 6 months after that and they not only succeeded in taking their marriage off the ledge, but they feel happier and healthier and are experiencing a new relationship with one another.
Watch to learn more about marriage counseling: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/_DTwGlqWxFM
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