Love Life: Dealing with Loneliness

Loneliness is a complex feeling, when someone says they feel ‘lonely during their love life, it can mean a variety of things.

It might mean that you feel unheard or unloved. It may be you’re feeling disconnected from your partner – like you aren’t as close as you used to be. Or it could be you’re feeling confused about something: you’re trying to resolve a problem but feel unable to talk about what’s bothering you.  

What leads to loneliness?

Changes in your love life often mean different or greater pressures, which can leave you feeling like you need more support. If it doesn’t feel like you’re getting the support you need you may begin to resent your partner or drift apart from them – this is when the feeling of ‘loneliness’ can begin to creep in.

Changes in our lives can also alter the role we want our relationship to playing in our love life: a mother may suddenly find herself re-assessing whether her relationship gives her everything she needs after her grown-up children have left home. Or one partner may begin to wonder whether they’ve sacrificed too much for their marriage when they’re passed up for another promotion. Again, feeling your relationship isn’t giving you what you need can lead to a sense of alienation as you begin to doubt whether you’ve got your priorities right.

At other times, it can be an internal change that’s prompted you to feel differently about your relationship.

It might be that you’re not communicating as well as you used to. It can be easy to slip into negative communication habits – such as freezing each other out or jumping to make accusations – over time these can wear away at your relationship and make you feel less close to one another.

Maybe there’s been a breach of trust, such as an affair. When we feel betrayed, it can affect the relationship even more deeply than we might realize. Often, it takes years to identify and work out the damage done when one partner badly lets down the other. 

How does loneliness affect your relationship?

In a sense, it’s not that common that someone might admit to being ‘lonely’ in a relationship. This tends to be the way someone might phrase things after a period of analysis or soul searching. 

In reality, loneliness tends to express itself more indirectly. You might find yourself feeling more annoyed with your partner: starting arguments or interpreting things they do and say negatively.

You may act a little childishly, start avoiding your partner or give them the silent treatment. You may become less sexual and feel less attracted to them. Or we might just get the general underlying feeling that we’re drifting apart – becoming disconnected over time.

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How do you break out of this kind of situation?

If you’ve been feeling lonely in your relationship, here are ways to work through those feelings.

• Discuss Your Feelings with Your Significant Other-Remind the other person you’re not blaming or criticizing in any way, but want to share your feelings. Then share that you are lonely. Maybe you both need to make changes. Or this might be attributable to some feelings you have that predate the relationship and that you need to address yourself.
• Take a Break from Social Media-Instead of texting your partner, make a phone call. Or better yet, meet up with them for a quick drink at your favorite cafe. Aim to focus on connecting with your partner.
• Do Something Nice for Them-If your partner loves history, buy them a book about the Civil War. Or offer to drive the kids for ice cream after school so your partner, who works from home, can take a break and play a video game for a little while.
• Volunteer-Think about others and give back. If you love animals, maybe both of you can volunteer at an animal shelter. Or reach out to see if you can work together on building a house for Habitat for Humanity.
• Hug Your Partner-Be physically affectionate When you hug your partner, oxytocin (often called the “cuddle hormone”) is released. When you touch one another, you’ll feel a sense of closeness. You’ll also gain deeper feelings of connection, bonding, and trust.
• Nurture Other Relationships-Call your buddy or spend time with your sister. Don’t forget to nurture your other important relationships. You’ll be reminded that you love others and that you yourself are loved.

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